1. Glen Close
Age: 60
Reason: She’s never won an Academy Award. This is like that babe your senior year of high school that didn’t win prom queen. She kept a perfect image all three and a half years, but after the votes were tallied and she came out the loser, she slutted it out hardcore. The goal was to catch her right before the VD’s crept in; right on the brink of desperation. And that is where Ms. Close is right now, the brink of desperation. And this brink, I presume, will bring out the best knob-job I’ve ever experienced.
2. Jane Fonda
Age: 69
Reason: She’s one of those pseudo-liberals. This means she’s into the way kinky stuff and might even be down into bringing in another girl. I mean women’s lib, right? But since she’s not totally liberal, she will not have let her bush get out of control. There’s nothing more annoying than getting your teeth flossed while munching some clam. And when you’re done you can lie back and laugh about the time she said, “I believe in my heart, profoundly, that the dikes are being bombed on purpose.” What?!
3. Chrissy Hynde
Age: 55
Reason: Duh.
4. Mimi Fariña
Age: Dead (whoops)
Reason: She married at the age of 17. This means she is way impulsive, and since her husband is way dead she’s ready for a quick rebound. Mimi is also the younger sister of Joan Baez, so she will do anything to eclipse the shadow of that song-stealing, heart-breaking strumpet.
5. Meryl Streep
Age: 58
Reason: Role playing.
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