Old chicks I wouldn’t mind boning… or at least wouldn’t mind letting them go all Atari on my joystick.

staff writer: angus felcher



1. Glen Close
Age: 60
Reason: She’s never won an Academy Award. This is like that babe your senior year of high school that didn’t win prom queen. She kept a perfect image all three and a half years, but after the votes were tallied and she came out the loser, she slutted it out hardcore. The goal was to catch her right before the VD’s crept in; right on the brink of desperation. And that is where Ms. Close is right now, the brink of desperation. And this brink, I presume, will bring out the best knob-job I’ve ever experienced.

2. Jane Fonda
Age: 69
Reason: She’s one of those pseudo-liberals. This means she’s into the way kinky stuff and might even be down into bringing in another girl. I mean women’s lib, right? But since she’s not totally liberal, she will not have let her bush get out of control. There’s nothing more annoying than getting your teeth flossed while munching some clam. And when you’re done you can lie back and laugh about the time she said, “I believe in my heart, profoundly, that the dikes are being bombed on purpose.” What?!

3. Chrissy Hynde
Age: 55
Reason: Duh.

4. Mimi Fariña
Age: Dead (whoops)
Reason: She married at the age of 17. This means she is way impulsive, and since her husband is way dead she’s ready for a quick rebound. Mimi is also the younger sister of Joan Baez, so she will do anything to eclipse the shadow of that song-stealing, heart-breaking strumpet.

5. Meryl Streep
Age: 58
Reason: Role playing.

I would sell my own children for a lick of some BACON SALT!?!?

written by Tom DeHeely, gossip columnist






Blohan At It Again!

As you may already know, Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving and possession of cocaine. Is it really even suspicion now? Blohan and her coke habit is more obvious than Tom Cruise’s sexual preference. She has been on a path of destruction ever since being on the set of “Freaky Friday”, where Lohan reportedly did some of her first lines of blow with the manly Jamie Lee Curtis. An insider back in 2003 also verified that Curtis forced Lohan to “pleasure” Chad Michael Murray on set, while Curtis watched, smoked Virginia Slims and quietly whispered, “Yes, that’s the spot.”

Those were the innocent days. Now there is no amount of painkillers or “super secret celebrity weed” that will suffice the beast that is Lohan. Come to think of it, Lohan’s addiction is very reminiscent to my own personal struggle with a controlled substance. What was that controlled substance you might ask?

Mother Fuckin' BACON SALT!!?!!?


baconsalt.com
“I’ll put this on everything” – Sean R.

“Why would you have fries when you could have bacon fries” – Chuck H.

Yeah, I was once like Chuck H. and Sean R., but I kicked the habit. I was going to a dark and lonely path that proceeded to times I would even offer to suck off the cashier at a local Super Walmart for just a free sprinkle of bacon salt on my tongue. It is one fucked up condiment. And it will tear you apart and you’re loved ones will want nothing to do with you.

This is the same for Lindsay Lohan, except her bacon salt is cocaine. Picture this friendly scenario:

Linday: Hey, guys let’s order some food.
Paris: Yeah, that’d be hot.
Britney: I’m supposed to be doing something important, aren’t I?
Lindsay: Oh man, I just got these fries. But why would I have fries when I could have coke fries?
Pairs: Hot.
Britney: I’ll eat those fries with powder sugar.
Lindsay: Oh god, I’m going to put coke on everything.

And she did. Lindsay you’re going to be starring in the new psychological mystery/thriller “I Know Who Killed Me”, being released July 27, do you really need anymore bad PR. I’ll tell you who killed you. It was fucking cocaine. Now go get Chad Michael Murray. We’re not finished.

“My 7 year old son hasn’t stopped talking about Bacon Salt since he heard about it. You guys are on to something here.”
- Alan S.
“I would spend my allowance on this. So good...”
- Alan’s 7 year old son

"You’ve successfully combined my two all-time favorite ingredients"
- Mark G.
"You're right, everything should taste like bacon."
- Ian B.

- credit goes to my mexican friend who looks like Benecio del Toro for scooping up this dirt.