First Time Lindsay, a Second Time Lindsay, a Third Time Lindsay as Well, but Now Matthew Roloff Has a DUI Too!!!

written by Tom DeHeely, gossip columnist


Who? It is just a disgrace when a drunk father makes a mistake. Mark Roloff plays himself as the real life father of three on the TLC hit reality series, “Little People, Big World”. The show revolves around the kooky antics of a MIDGET family (Note: I place the word “midget” in bold and all caps in order to be considerate and sensitive to God’s unique creed). Mark is the 45-year poppa Smurf who has been hiding a big secret, which is that he got a DUI back on June 19.
All this reporter has to say is smoo-oo-oo-ooth move, MIDGET DAD, smooth move. You think we would all learn a thing or two from Miss Lohan, or even Mel Gibson for Christ’s sake
Dear Mark Roloff,
You drank a full MGD bottle with disregard. You know you can only have 1/3 of what is in the bottle (1/2 of a can) to be officially declared “shit-faced”. Goddamn, Mark you were literally beyond “shit-faced” at that point. And then you have the audacity to even begin to think it is an okay idea to drive. It is not a good idea to drive in the first place because you are a MIDGET! Tall people can drive SUV’s after drinking one beer, you can’t! And don’t get all cutesy/helium –voiced and begin to think you can wash this all away with some superb choreographed dance skills and a lavish song about an “Ode to Sugar and other Various Sweet Things”. Other people may think you are all cute because you look like a baby, but I see right through your devious size.
It’s time to wise up, little man! You got kids to take care of. You aren’t an adult Britney Spears. Due to being a MIDGET you have less rights that a normal size person. Everything is minimal for you. Could you have imagined if you would have been drastic enough to drink a full beer and an ounce of another bottle of beer – by GOD, you would have been dead! You don’t have the luxury of being as stand-up of a guy as someone like Warwick Davis, who played Willow and the Leprechaun. You were inebriated more than any MIDGET ever should be. And for this behavior, Mark Roloff, you are officially on my MIDGET SHIT LIST (it’s much smaller than my actual “Shit List”).

Final Thought: Wasn’t it politically incorrect, but subversively adequate for me to bold and capsize the entire word “midget”? We all need to feel big every once in a while.

TMZ