Baby Shambles and Dizzee Rascal? Please don't play me like a bitch

by Fred Bundy, staff writer

Baby Shambles and Dizzee Rascal Tour together?
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS A FUCKING WORD THE ENTIRE TIME!

No, but in all seriousness who thinks that this could be a good idea? Obviously Pete Doherty can write a good pop song, but no one can agree on the pronounciation of his last name. And when you hit a bump like that, success is never coming your way (see Johnny Weissmuller, Ida Lupino and/or Johnny Damon).
I have no beef with his drug habits. Everyone has to get off somehow, and if it's selling needles to minors while in rehab, let him have it. But when is he going to make his fucking mind up on his last name. One week it's Dokerty and the next it's Doority. The latter obviously makes more sense, but then you start to think, (which is a dangerous exercise I advise avoiding if at all possible) "What if it's one of those backwards British English things? You know how they call an elevator the 'lift.' Maybe the 'h' iiiissss supposed to sound like a 'k'." And by the time you've thought through all of this, Pete has gone through thirty rails the size of Elton John's crack and he's completely changed his name to something like Dizzay Raskal. He's stopped doing pop and moved in on the grime scene. At night he wears black face and oversized denim yelling at kids and invoking dances that look more fit for the bedroom than a stage. The only way you can really tell it's him is from the track marks that show up under the sleeves of his throwback jersey or the powder mixed with blood that occasionally drips out of his nose.
So how does the industry cope with his fits? They book a tour supposedly based on two seperate people. However --- HOWEVER --- us at LMAODOGZ know that Pete "CoKing" Doherty is in fact Dizzee Rascal. There's no doubt in my mind pardner, they are one in the same. Proof, you ask?





This is Pete in his normal attire.
(note the white shirt.)












This is the only known photo of "Dizzee." Weird that his face is covered up, huh? Also wearing a white shirt like Pete (above).

HMMMMM??




The problem is not that they could (sic) ARE the same person, but that the record industry is going to try and sell this as a double bill. When in fact it is just one person with two personalities. Maybe you aren't quite sold by my cold hard facts. Maybe you think there is a chance that Pete and Dizzee aren't the same. Good. Whatever, my mom is coming to pick me up so your chance to argue is over. I WIN!